So I'm the worst blogger in the world. So bad that I should just quit. I can't keep a journal so I stick with the semi-annual blog which has become somewhat therapeutic. Mostly the things I blog about are related to the emotions surrounding the loss of my dad. If this is a downer, well, it's about me, not you. If you want something more silly and bubbly, I'm sure that you can read the works of someone less cynical, more up, or dare we say, more Oprah or Rachel Ray. This blog is more Anthony Bourdain.
My emotions have been relatively ragged lately as it seems to have set in that I'll never talk to my dad, or hear his voice again. I watched some god-awful show with Howie Mandel called Mobbed. It was another bit of reality TV dreck that was utterly offensive on so many levels, and of course there was a 37 year old guy who finally met his long lost father. I really didn't need to watch it, and of course I sobbed, but I felt lucky to some degree. This was a guy who had no relationship with a father who never knew he had a son. I, on the other hand had dad in my life for 37 years before we lost him. Strange. Please don't watch the show. The thought of there being additional episodes makes me cringe.
I went to one of my CIO peer group meetings recently and on the way I was driving through Lancaster County on the way to Philly and I instinctively grabbed my phone to call Dad. Whenever I would travel to different offices, customers or conferences I would call dad and we would talk along the way. I miss that.Dad used to start off each voice mail message the same way, by saying "Steve, it's your Dad". He had a mildly deep voice, a tone that had smooth edges and no accent. He was incredibly smart, but spoke in a way and with language that was comfortable. He didn't waste time trying to identify an obscure adjective for the day. Dad spoke the English of the Midwest which is simple, straightforward, and not self congratulatory. When he disagreed with you or was considering a point, his tone would rise, and he'd start out with a slightly drawn out "Wellll, I don't know" and then go to comprehensively disprove whatever ill conceived opinion he disagreed with. I can hear him in my mind, but I would give just about anything to hear him in my ears and to appreciate the subtlety, texture, and simplicity one last time.
Having said that, an amazing thing did happen this morning on the way into work. I often listen to podcasts on my rides to and from work. Typically it's the Tony Kornheiser show, but I am all caught up on the TK podcasts so I decided to listed to an interview Bill Simmons from ESPN did with Larry Bird. In the interest of full disclosure, through the 80's I was a Magic guy, not a Larry guy, but as I've aged I have learned to appreciate Bird more. As soon as Bird spoke tears began to flow. Larry Bird, one of the greatest basketball players of a generation and a great son of the Midwest, has many of the same tones and phrases as my father. Larry has more of an twang-y accent, but the directness, the language, and the tone and way he ended certain sentences and words had an uncanny resemblance to Dad. I was amazed, and to be honest, I really needed it. The interview lasted my entire ride to work, 39 minutes, and I have no idea what it was about. I remember hearing Lebron and Kobe's names mentioned, and I listened intently, but all I was hearing was the tone, the word choice, and texture. It inspired me so much that I actually wanted to update this crappy blog..
Dad, I miss you, but we're doing good. By the way, I wish you would have explained commodities hedging to me a bit more. OK, you explained it dozens of times, but it didn't sink in. I have some great friends from work who are trying to coach me up but I think they're wishing you'd have explained it more as well. The idea that you're committed when you're selling calls and puts but not when you're buying still makes no sense to me. I should probably stick with the advice you gave me when I said I was thinking about putting some money into the commodities markets........"Don't"
Lastly, it's Valentines Day! The name Valentine is derived from the latin valens which means "strong, worthy and powerful". While for some it's not the first thing that comes to mind when you meet all 5ft 2in of my wife, strength is something that truly defines her. There's a book called Character Strengths and Values which outlines all the positive psychological traits of human beings. The entire list is essentially a portrait of my loving wife. The last 6 months have been quite difficult and I have leaned on Tracey more than ever. When Lexi was born it was the absolute toughest and we were both just overwhelmed, but optimistic. This is a little different in that I'm the one with the constantly evolving emotions and there's no possibility of dad walking through the front door. Tracey has been there every second I needed her, and she knows when to say something and when to just let me be. She is the most amazing person I've ever met and continues to put up with me through our 13+ years of marriage. She is stronger than she gives herself credit for, she is a magnificent teacher and mother who cares so deeply about each of her kids, she's just a fabulous person and she's the one that makes our lives work. Those of you who are going to be reading this and haven't tuned me out by this paragraph already know her, and I'm sure agree.
Trace, I love you, I adore you , Happy Valentines Day my love!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
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