-home again

Those of you who know me well know that every day I fly is a tension filled day. Today was no exception and then throw in frayed emotions and you have a recipe for a long day. This morning I woke up early and went to see my uncle Ed, dad's brother, who I had not seen since the funeral. We sat and talked for a bit with the 9/11 events playing on the tv in the background. We both remarked that if our nerves weren't shot already, watching too much of the 9/11 coverage would definitely have us curled up in a ball. We talked for a bit and went and had coffee. My nerves were already shot after not sleeping much and as I drove back down to mom's I started really breaking down. When I arrived I was insistent that we head back to my dads house and see my step mother. Now the girls had just got up and there was a lot of packing to do, but I was in an emotional rant. We had spent a great deal of time with my step mother the last few days, and Saturday afternoon we had said an emotional goodbye and that we would talk soon. Tracey was trying to calm me down and was asking whether going back over for a 20 minute visit was the right thing to do. Putting Bonna through another emotional farewell probably wasnt smart but I was insistent that I was going. I got in the car, drove about a block and the words that my cousin Amber told Tracey at the funeral came to mind. She told her "watch him, he's going to be more irrational, more emotional, and more irritable than ever". I had joked and asked who's side she was on when she made the comment, but as I drove, I thought of what she said, I calmed down and thought maybe it wasn't such a good idea. It wasn't going to help Bonna deal with dad's loss. I had a breakdown whenever I arrived and left dad's house, but I had tried to keep my emotions in check while inside the house. Today was not a day I was going to be able to control this well and Tracey was right. The good thing is that my siblings, Kelly, Cody, and Jenna and their families live close and will be there for Bonna, and she's incredibly strong. That will not necessarily make it easier, but she'll stay busy, and soon she'll develop a routine that will allow her to move forward. Dad would be very proud of how she has handled the past weeks events. Hopefully, once things calm down a bit she'll be able to come out for a visit. We'll be back in Illinois this thanksgiving again. we love them all and cannot wait to see them. some thoughts on the 9/11 coverage. I remember working out of the house that day watching Tori who was just over a year old. We had been watching dora or some other show and I popped open my laptop a little after 9 and saw a headline about the trade centers and pentagon being attacked. I immediately changed the channel to NBC and saw the burning buildings. And within 3 seconds, the first tower fell. I was stunned, and I looked at my 16 month old daughter and thought, she'll never fully understand how her life wil be effected by these events. Later that night after watching hours worth of coverage I walked up to the pier to go fishing. All the planes were grounded, but I could hear military fighter jets circling over the Chesapeake. It was eerie because they didn't have the lights on that commercial airliners do, so you could only hear them. Lastly. The flights back home weren't bad. STL is a terrible airport and it took an hour to get through security. Then this genius from United had split all four of us up. Now Tori could do fine by herself, but Lexi was not going to fly without Tracey or I next to her. They were all booked together and the girls have childrens tickets. The moron said there was nothing he could do, even though he had 4 other seats sitting on the counter that were next to ours. We' have to "find someone to trade with on the plane". I thanked him for all of the help and effort he put forth and may have also mentioned that he was a jackass. A nice flight attendant took care of us and got it straightened out on the plane. We're glad to be back home, albeit a wet home. Still smells damp and lots to do, but our great friends did a ton of work to get the majority of the water out and the insurance folks are coming this week.

Goodbye Dad.

It's been a long, emotional day where we said goodbye to my dad. I could not have done it without the support of Tracey, the girls, and all of my friends and family who were here or who sent such wonderful messages the last few days. Those of you you who knew my father know how great of a person he was. A much better person that I. Those of you who did not know him only need to know that there were hundreds of people who came to pay their respects, to tell us stories of how much they admired him, loved working with him, and how highly regarded he was by everyone who knew him. The common message we heard from these people was that he was the finest man they ever knew. When that message is consistent across so many people, you should really start to consider that it may just be true.

I've always been fortunate to have wonderful parents and step-parents, and to have some wonderful memories of my dad that I will cherish forever. My emotions change from minute to minute. Most of the time I am ok, and when I break down it's typically because I recognize how lucky I am. I'm still pretty angry that he was taken 20+ years too early, and I'll never understand why. While my girls will always remember him, and there are some really great memories, there will be many fewer than I feel were warranted.

The sense of loss is profound, but I know that over time it will fade. A wise friend of mine told me that if you're fortunate, when you lose a loved one you feel only loss and not regret. The feeling of loss will fade, but regret is something you carry with you forever. I don't know if it's all true, but there is no regret in my feelings and memories of dad. He knew how I felt about him, and I knew how he felt about me.

I'm always amazed by my cousin who in her late 20's lost her husband and father within 3 years time. Every time I see her I am amazed at the strength of her faith, and how it has carried her through such adversity. This is a person who had every reason to burn with anger at the world and at god, and yet every time I see her she beams. Absolutely amazing. While I admire her faith, I have to admit mine does not reach that depth. I have too many unanswered questions and honestly this week has generated more questions than answers.

Lastly, on top of the funeral, we received word from our neighbors who were watching the dog that our sump pump at the house stopped working and we had an inch or so of water in our basement. Now we received something like 14 inches of rain back home in new oxford. We have the greatest bunch of friends and neighbors anywhere. They enlisted their friends, mothers, sisters, etc to come over to our house and attempt to dry out the finished basement while we're in Illinois for Dad's funeral. They are truly amazing people and we are incredibly fortunate to have Ron, Christie, Wes, Angie and so many others as great friends and neighbors. The message they keep sending is "we'll take care of this, you have enough on your plate already." You guys cannot imagine how much you have touched Tracey and I. We love you all.

Lastly, a message to dad. I love you, miss you, and will continue to do my best to always make you proud.